Where am I now??

Yesterday I went to a bridal shower.  It didn't wanna go .  but not for the reasons you tmay think. I was happy for my friend lisa and genuinely wanted to be there for her in preparation for her big day.  I wasn't jelous , that wasn't my motivation, I just felt out of sorts within myself.  THe night before I was feeling flat (Lost would be a more appropriate word) like I couldn't decide about anything.  So, I didn't want to go and hang out with a bunch of people and make do feeling out of place and in general like aI stood out like a sore thumb. I already feel that way enough even when I'm on my game.  But, as luck would have it, I woke up in a better mood with the sunlight streaming through the windows and I changed my mind.

A word about why I was feeling flat.  "Flat" was the culmination from many months of turmoil and heartache. my heart and mind churned in the waters while the might arm of the sea laughingly pulled me back every time I tried to get out and slammed me into the surf once again.  my mouth, full of water and sand my eyes shut with terror completely disoriented arms flailing trying to get out but I couldn't.  It was too strong too mighty too powerful for me.  I am reminded of a verse that says "my enemies were too powerful for me, but you o lord reached down your hand...?" .  The lord saved me, all I had to do was stop trying, and He did it all.  When I was finally spent, from the relentless twisting ocean from being slammed time and time again,,,, I just let go and that's when I was brought to shore, carried by gentle, yet powerful arms and laid on the sand and given cpr. a chance to rest.  People don't just bounce back from something like that.  THe experience nearly wiped me out; it was agony to blink to think . enjoying life was a distant menory, a thing of the past sleep was my escape and the only reprieve I had.  food, once a joy my ball and chain.

then he came in and changed it all.  I lay it down the burden at his feet and slowly am getting well and better.  It hasn't been easy though.  In actuality, it's been the hardest fight of my life well my christian life.  I almost csuccumbed, life was losing its quality and was beginning to lose its flavor... : ( But God!!!  knew the end from the beginning. and he never left me.  He wsaw that I would rise and win in victory, he saw that I would it give it to the Holy spirit.   Now this sounds so esoteric.  wheat am I really talking about?  Whats the gist?  Well...  I wanna wanted to get married.  And, I'm not.  and this was a cause of MAJOR mental distress and strain on my body  soul mind and heart.  I couldn't concentrate acouldn't think, everything that I touched turned to dust...my mental health was fading.  

Now, I am sailing further and further aways with each day and moment that passes from the fog the mental weight and distortion I danced to for so many months.  THe pied piper, the devil, who tried t get me to dance FAILED because that's who he is.  A loser.

Ash Head

So, here I am on ash Wednesday with a smear across my forehead wondering what it all means. I guess for me turning away from the mistrust that I have of god, and the deep inner psychological torment that this brings, is something I want help with and to have removed during these 40 reflective days.  I'm still on the "I'll never have a husband" train, wondering why God hasn't blessed me with someone.  At times feeling so angry and ugly, and then so bad and guilty, indeed punishing myself for this lack of trust.  It's a daily battle I engage in (perhaps therein lies the problem:  if I would stop this tussle, this never ending war that sucks up my energies, and simply put down my sword, it would cease), one that I don't get much reprieve from.

I can't seem to get past this obsession or fixation on wanting a man.  It obfuscates my vision, it weakens my heart.  That I know that Jesus has it all under control and knows my desires and will bless me at the appointed time doesn't erase the fact that I want it, and want it NOW.  It also doesn't change or erase the feeling that my life is a mess, ruined because I can't seem to get past this focus;  it literally stops me up like a toilet, like one too many poops.  And then I get stuck and think only about the smell, and the circumstance and I'm cooked.  At this point, the Christians have to come in, people like Joyce Meyer and friends and remind me not to base how I live on my feelings, that the truth of God is what counts and to take my eyes off my circumstance and put them on Him.  I also have to remember that the devil is a liar and not to listen to him.

It is at times like these that I have to remind myself that God has good plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a future (FUTURE!) and a hope.  I know he knows what's best for me and that he loves me.  It is still not easy, even after all these steps, but I find redemptive power in knowing that his salvation is ultimately my freedom.  His heart beats for me, and if I could just get past the obstacle of my steel plated skull, I'd see that.  So help me God...!

  


 

(Caveat:  I am Christian and will therefore be speaking in "Christianese".  What this means is that some of the words and concepts that I use will not be understandable or make much sense to all.  For this I apologize.  I hope that you will be able to get something out of it nonetheless)


Seeing as how only 3-4 people will ever read or see this (if that) I almost have complete privacy as I write and that is a good, sweet thing as I am gun shy.  One thing I want to make clear is that this blog is for me, and me alone.  If someone stumbles upon it and it somehow helps and soothes or transforms them, which is my prayer, then great.  But if not, it's OK, and hopefully that soothed, transformed, helped person will be me.

I have just come out of a terrifying 3 month period where I was raked through the coals and churned through the waters.  Because of my own stupidity/foolishness and because I opened the door to Satan, my life and mind became a painful parody of the real thing.  I for 3 months I talked, ate and slept hate, fear and foolishness.  Hate towards my circumstance -that I'm single/don't have a husband- fear that I had breast cancer -since I had to have a double mammo- and foolishness -that I feared the eating disorder that I already got delivered from would come back.  All this, plus basically throwing my faith out the window and walking in all the aforementioned muck for an extended period made for an interestingly distasteful and horrific chunk of time.  One that I NEVER want to go through EVER again!

I learned a few lessons along the way, however:  god is patient and he will win;  He wants only to bless us and to do what's in our best interest;  He is not concerned with showing off how much more powerful he is than us, he doesn't have to prove anything.  And yes, he loves us more than we can imagine.  oh and one more thing;  It's his way or no way.  Though he'll never push himself on us he leaves us to our own devices to eventually come to that conclusion whether we learn the easy way or the hard way.  The alternative isn't an option.

How am I today?  Well, I'm workin' on it, lets just say that.  I take a few steps then I retract them and on and on it goes, and I get discouraged, BUT I'm finally learning or perhaps I learned today (dare I say) that God wants me to simply stop trying; stop working on it and give him the goods.  Cos honestly folks, I'm at wits end, tuckered out, wiped.  I can't understand why, for all my efforts, I'm still at square one?  Struggling with giving up my same issues like wanting to be a wife and trusting God...  My very nice landlady who also happens to be a christian, explained to me that I'm trying too hard and I just need to stop and give it to the Holy Spirit.  Just lay 'em down, all my issues and struggles and STOP WORKING!!!  "Just be a child of God" she said.  ; )

Something about that made sense, and frankly, I feel better.  Ta!