Yesterday I went to a bridal shower. It didn't wanna go . but not for the reasons you tmay think. I was happy for my friend lisa and genuinely wanted to be there for her in preparation for her big day. I wasn't jelous , that wasn't my motivation, I just felt out of sorts within myself. THe night before I was feeling flat (Lost would be a more appropriate word) like I couldn't decide about anything. So, I didn't want to go and hang out with a bunch of people and make do feeling out of place and in general like aI stood out like a sore thumb. I already feel that way enough even when I'm on my game. But, as luck would have it, I woke up in a better mood with the sunlight streaming through the windows and I changed my mind.
A word about why I was feeling flat. "Flat" was the culmination from many months of turmoil and heartache. my heart and mind churned in the waters while the might arm of the sea laughingly pulled me back every time I tried to get out and slammed me into the surf once again. my mouth, full of water and sand my eyes shut with terror completely disoriented arms flailing trying to get out but I couldn't. It was too strong too mighty too powerful for me. I am reminded of a verse that says "my enemies were too powerful for me, but you o lord reached down your hand...?" . The lord saved me, all I had to do was stop trying, and He did it all. When I was finally spent, from the relentless twisting ocean from being slammed time and time again,,,, I just let go and that's when I was brought to shore, carried by gentle, yet powerful arms and laid on the sand and given cpr. a chance to rest. People don't just bounce back from something like that. THe experience nearly wiped me out; it was agony to blink to think . enjoying life was a distant menory, a thing of the past sleep was my escape and the only reprieve I had. food, once a joy my ball and chain.
then he came in and changed it all. I lay it down the burden at his feet and slowly am getting well and better. It hasn't been easy though. In actuality, it's been the hardest fight of my life well my christian life. I almost csuccumbed, life was losing its quality and was beginning to lose its flavor... : ( But God!!! knew the end from the beginning. and he never left me. He wsaw that I would rise and win in victory, he saw that I would it give it to the Holy spirit. Now this sounds so esoteric. wheat am I really talking about? Whats the gist? Well... I wanna wanted to get married. And, I'm not. and this was a cause of MAJOR mental distress and strain on my body soul mind and heart. I couldn't concentrate acouldn't think, everything that I touched turned to dust...my mental health was fading.
Now, I am sailing further and further aways with each day and moment that passes from the fog the mental weight and distortion I danced to for so many months. THe pied piper, the devil, who tried t get me to dance FAILED because that's who he is. A loser.
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