Ash Head

So, here I am on ash Wednesday with a smear across my forehead wondering what it all means. I guess for me turning away from the mistrust that I have of god, and the deep inner psychological torment that this brings, is something I want help with and to have removed during these 40 reflective days.  I'm still on the "I'll never have a husband" train, wondering why God hasn't blessed me with someone.  At times feeling so angry and ugly, and then so bad and guilty, indeed punishing myself for this lack of trust.  It's a daily battle I engage in (perhaps therein lies the problem:  if I would stop this tussle, this never ending war that sucks up my energies, and simply put down my sword, it would cease), one that I don't get much reprieve from.

I can't seem to get past this obsession or fixation on wanting a man.  It obfuscates my vision, it weakens my heart.  That I know that Jesus has it all under control and knows my desires and will bless me at the appointed time doesn't erase the fact that I want it, and want it NOW.  It also doesn't change or erase the feeling that my life is a mess, ruined because I can't seem to get past this focus;  it literally stops me up like a toilet, like one too many poops.  And then I get stuck and think only about the smell, and the circumstance and I'm cooked.  At this point, the Christians have to come in, people like Joyce Meyer and friends and remind me not to base how I live on my feelings, that the truth of God is what counts and to take my eyes off my circumstance and put them on Him.  I also have to remember that the devil is a liar and not to listen to him.

It is at times like these that I have to remind myself that God has good plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a future (FUTURE!) and a hope.  I know he knows what's best for me and that he loves me.  It is still not easy, even after all these steps, but I find redemptive power in knowing that his salvation is ultimately my freedom.  His heart beats for me, and if I could just get past the obstacle of my steel plated skull, I'd see that.  So help me God...!