(Caveat:  I am Christian and will therefore be speaking in "Christianese".  What this means is that some of the words and concepts that I use will not be understandable or make much sense to all.  For this I apologize.  I hope that you will be able to get something out of it nonetheless)


Seeing as how only 3-4 people will ever read or see this (if that) I almost have complete privacy as I write and that is a good, sweet thing as I am gun shy.  One thing I want to make clear is that this blog is for me, and me alone.  If someone stumbles upon it and it somehow helps and soothes or transforms them, which is my prayer, then great.  But if not, it's OK, and hopefully that soothed, transformed, helped person will be me.

I have just come out of a terrifying 3 month period where I was raked through the coals and churned through the waters.  Because of my own stupidity/foolishness and because I opened the door to Satan, my life and mind became a painful parody of the real thing.  I for 3 months I talked, ate and slept hate, fear and foolishness.  Hate towards my circumstance -that I'm single/don't have a husband- fear that I had breast cancer -since I had to have a double mammo- and foolishness -that I feared the eating disorder that I already got delivered from would come back.  All this, plus basically throwing my faith out the window and walking in all the aforementioned muck for an extended period made for an interestingly distasteful and horrific chunk of time.  One that I NEVER want to go through EVER again!

I learned a few lessons along the way, however:  god is patient and he will win;  He wants only to bless us and to do what's in our best interest;  He is not concerned with showing off how much more powerful he is than us, he doesn't have to prove anything.  And yes, he loves us more than we can imagine.  oh and one more thing;  It's his way or no way.  Though he'll never push himself on us he leaves us to our own devices to eventually come to that conclusion whether we learn the easy way or the hard way.  The alternative isn't an option.

How am I today?  Well, I'm workin' on it, lets just say that.  I take a few steps then I retract them and on and on it goes, and I get discouraged, BUT I'm finally learning or perhaps I learned today (dare I say) that God wants me to simply stop trying; stop working on it and give him the goods.  Cos honestly folks, I'm at wits end, tuckered out, wiped.  I can't understand why, for all my efforts, I'm still at square one?  Struggling with giving up my same issues like wanting to be a wife and trusting God...  My very nice landlady who also happens to be a christian, explained to me that I'm trying too hard and I just need to stop and give it to the Holy Spirit.  Just lay 'em down, all my issues and struggles and STOP WORKING!!!  "Just be a child of God" she said.  ; )

Something about that made sense, and frankly, I feel better.  Ta!